U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
