I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
