I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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