She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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