This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
