Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
