i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
