Umm I'm too high to move.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
