turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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