And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
