Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
