Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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