sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
