we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
