FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
