I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
