The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
