so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
