In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
