Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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