We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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