walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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