Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
