how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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