No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
