she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
