Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
