and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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