I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
