i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
