alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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