My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dignity is for republicans.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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