Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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