I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
