Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
