she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
