there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize