Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
