i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
