So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize