i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
