we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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