do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
