Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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