She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize