You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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