I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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