why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
