there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
