we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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