phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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