Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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