it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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