wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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