I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
