I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
