??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Houston, we have a blender
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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