I'm going to jail i love you
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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