Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
